I wouldn't wish middle school on my worst enemy. 😬
My middle school experience was brutal. And now, watching my own daughter go through it, I feel like I'm reliving some of that old trauma right alongside her. Aren't we all, though? I don't think there's a mom out there who hears "middle school" and doesn't feel something tighten in her chest a little.
So instead of just hoping she figures it out the hard way like I did, I decided to write down everything I wish someone had told me back then. Some of it is about friendships. Some of it is about the ridiculous stuff kids will say to each other. And some of it is just plain survival advice from a mom who has been there, done that, and is now watching her own daughters do the same.
Here are the 13 things I want my daughters to know before they walk through those middle school doors.
1. I am Your Biggest Cheerleader
No matter what happens this year, good grades or bad ones, making the team or not making it, popular or not, I am on your side. Always. There is no version of you that I am not rooting for.
You are enough, always. You do not have to be the smartest kid in class, the fastest on the team, or the most liked girl in the grade for me to be proud of you. I am proud of you simply because you are trying, because you are showing up, and because you are figuring out who you are — one hard day at a time.
I want to see you succeed. I want your light to shine, and I want you to let your friends' lights shine too. More than anything, I want you to want the best for yourself, because the moment you start believing you deserve good things, good things start finding their way to you.
Mom Tip: I try to remind my kids often just how amazing they are, and I try to make sure it's not only about the grade on a test or the good report card. We talk a lot about building real, inner confidence, not the kind that depends on a score. I tell them I'm proud of how hard they worked. For figuring out how to navigate everything on their plate. For being kind and respectful. And for the person they're becoming. It might sound a little cheesy, but kids need to hear it out loud, not just assume we know it.
2. Friendships Evolve and Change
You likely aren’t still close friends with every single one of your elementary school besties, and that’s more normal than it feels. Friendships change and evolve over time, and it's worth knowing now instead of being surprised by it later.
Friendships can shift as you grow and get involved in different activities. New kids will enter your friendship circle, and girls that you have been friends with forever might drift off. And that’s ok. It will happen throughout the rest of your life, too. Some friends are in our lives for just a season, and we can be thankful for the time we had with that friend. Remember, when one door closes, another can open.
Friendships can also become more challenging. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Make sure you are a candle lighter. Your light can shine brightly and so can your friends. Any friend who tries to diminish your light or makes you question your worth isn’t a true friend (paraphrasing a Brene Brown quote). And any friendship that is filled with drama, gossip, or toxic behavior is not worth your time.
Remember to lead by example and be a good friend. People remember how you treat them long after they forget what you said or what happened that day. Kindness and compassion always matter, whether a friendship lasts a season or a lifetime. Be the friend you'd want to have.
Mom Tip: Watching your kids' friend circles shift is hard. It's difficult to sit back and let it happen without stepping in. But I've learned to separate my own feelings from theirs. They might not be on speaking terms with today's best friend by next week, but that doesn't mean the friendship is over for good. And that "ex-best-friend" might be right back in her inner circle before you know it. Try not to hold onto the hurt longer than your kid does.
3. Everyone is Exaggerating
Not everyone had the most amazing summer vacation, and not everyone got invited to that party you heard about. Your friends did not all score a hundred on every quiz and test this semester, either.
Middle school has a way of making everyone else's life look shinier than it actually is, and social media makes it so much worse. You are not just hearing about the highlight reel anymore — you are scrolling through it, filtered and posted for everyone to see. Someone's highlight reel is also not their whole story, no matter how real it looks on a screen. Comparison is a thief, and it will steal your joy faster than almost anything else.
When you catch yourself thinking everyone else has it figured out, remember: they don't. They're just as unsure as you are. They are just better at hiding it (for now).
Mom Tip: My girls aren't allowed on social media, and they're not in group chats either. Do they get frustrated being in the minority sometimes? Sure. But there's real research behind this choice, not just a mom's gut feeling. Jonathan Haidt's book The Anxious Generation digs into how the shift from real-world, play-based childhoods toward phone-based ones has coincided with a sharp rise in anxiety and mental health struggles among this generation, and he makes a compelling case that developing brains simply aren't ready for unrestricted access to social media and smartphones.
His suggested guardrails: No smartphones before high school, no social media before 16, phone-free schools, and more real-world independence and unstructured play. It changed how I think about technology and my kids, and it's a big part of why we've made the choices we have. There's so much drama that comes out of social media and group chats, and my girls simply don't get dragged into it. I'd rather deal with a little frustration now than the chaos I see so many other families navigating.
If your family has made a different choice and your daughter is on social media, a simple rule that helps: build in a pause before posting anything. Have her create the post, then wait a few minutes before hitting publish. Walking away, even briefly, gives her a chance to reconsider something she might regret the second it's out there.
4. Words Only Have Power if You Allow Them To
Kids can be mean, and they often have zero filter. Middle school is the season where everyone is still learning to keep some things in their brains instead of letting them fly out of their mouths.
Words only have as much power as you give them. When someone says something mean, here's what I've learned: reacting with big emotion gives the other kid exactly what they wanted. But a calm response, something like, "I'm sorry you feel that way," stops the whole thing in its tracks. You're acknowledging what they said without escalating it, and that takes almost all the power out of the comment.
Mom Tip: We practice this at home before she ever needs it. I'll say something like, "Wow, your shoes are really ugly," straight-faced, and we role-play how to respond. We start with the easy stuff, because unfortunately, comments like this are exactly what kids hear at school. Full credit to Jefferson Fisher, whose advice we lean on constantly for this.
5. Things Won't Always Go the Way You Hope
This is a tough lesson. Dealing with disappointment or uncertainty is something we all experience. And the earlier we learn how to handle it, the better.
Life is not going to feel as smooth as elementary school did. Hardly anyone gets the lead in the musical. Hardly anyone gets picked as team captain or singled out for that special school award. You will study all weekend for a test and could still do horribly on it, even when you did everything right. It happens, and it is not a reflection of how hard you tried or how smart you are.
You might not get placed in classes with your friends. You might not get the elective you wanted most. These moments can feel like your whole world is falling apart, even when they seem small from the outside. That's okay. You're allowed to feel it, fully, for as long as you need to.
Mom Tip: My daughter was devastated two years in a row when hardly any of her friends ended up in her classes, and again when she didn't get the elective she wanted most. It genuinely broke her heart, if only for a little while. These moments feel small to us as parents, but to a middle schooler, they can feel enormous. My job in those moments isn't to fix it or talk her out of the disappointment. It's to sit with her in it, remind her it won't feel this heavy forever, and help her find her footing again.
6. Your Emotions Will Be All Over the Place
Most girls begin puberty around ages 10 to 11, and it lasts for several years. When we think about puberty, we usually think about changes in the body. But it also causes real changes in the brain.
Mood swings, intense feelings, and extreme sensitivity are all common. Life is going to feel like a rollercoaster for a while.
One minute you will be happy and joyful, and the next you will want to cry because I made steak for dinner instead of chicken. That is not you being dramatic or broken. That is just what this age is like. Your body and your brain are changing faster than you can keep up with, and your emotions are going to feel bigger and messier than they used to.
You are allowed to feel all of it. You do not have to explain why you're crying or apologize for being moody. Just come find me. I am not going anywhere, even on the hard, weepy, everything-feels-like-too-much days. Especially on those days.
Mom Tip: I'm honest with my girls about the fact that hormones are real, and they're affecting all of us, including me. I'm perimenopausal, so I've got my own wild mood swings, hot flashes, and all the rest of it happening right alongside their own changes. I want them to see that it's normal to go through this, not something to be embarrassed by or hide.
I've also learned that my girls have different love languages, and what works to comfort one does not always work for the other. One daughter wants to sit and be quiet, while another wants to do something to take her mind off of things. Learning how to best respond to each child was a game changer for me.
7. Your Body is On its Own Timeline
Puberty happens at a different pace for everyone, and there is no right or wrong speed. By sixth grade, there will be one or two girls in your grade who already have their period and are pretty developed. And on the flip side, by the time you finish eighth grade, there will probably still be one or two girls who haven't started their period yet and are still flat as a board. Both are completely normal.
It is so hard not to compare yourself to everyone else when it feels like your body is doing something different than everyone else's.
But your body is doing its own thing, on its own timeline, and that timeline is exactly right for you. There is nothing to rush and nothing to be embarrassed about, whichever end of the timeline you land on.
A couple of things that will make this whole stretch a little easier: Put deodorant on every day, brush your teeth, and brush your hair. Small habits, but they matter more now than they used to.
One more thing that helps: keep a small emergency kit in your backpack. A few dollars, hair ties, travel deodorant, a small pack of tissues, and (once you need them) pads or a few other basics. You never know when you'll need one of those things, and having it with you means you don't have to ask around or feel caught off guard.
Mom Tip: So many girls feel anxious about getting their period, especially not knowing when it will happen or what to do in the moment. I put together a period kit for each of my girls ahead of time, pads, tampons, and a quick guide on how to use them, so when the day came, they weren't caught off guard or scared. I also made sure they knew it's always okay to quietly go to the school nurse and ask for help if they need something while they are away from me. The adults in their life, especially the women, have been there before too, and they understand exactly what these girls are going through.
8. Ask the Question
If you don't understand something, ask. If you're confused about the homework, ask. If you don't know where to sit, ask. If you don't understand why a friend seems upset, ask.
One person speaking up can benefit everyone. So many kids sit there with the exact same question you have, too afraid to raise their hand because they think they'll look stupid, or that people will judge them for not already knowing the answer.
Most people are so wrapped up in their own worries that they are not paying nearly as much attention to you as you think they are. And the other half? They are quietly grateful you were brave enough to ask, because now they don't have to.
This goes beyond the classroom, too. Ask at home. Ask at sports practice. Ask your friends. It never hurts to get clarification when you're unsure, no matter where you are or who you're asking.
Not asking doesn't protect you. It just leaves you guessing, and usually, everyone around you is guessing right along with you.
Mom Tip: We practice asking questions in low-pressure places first, so it feels natural by the time it actually matters. At a restaurant, I'll have my kids ask the waiter what their favorite item on the menu is. After practice, I'll encourage them to walk up and ask their coach a question about something they're working on. Small, easy reps like these build the confidence to ask the bigger, harder questions later, when it actually counts.
9. Nothing Stays a Secret
In middle school, and honestly for the rest of your life, nothing stays a secret, not really. It is rare to find someone you can truly, fully trust with something. Even when a secret gets kept quiet for days or weeks, that doesn't mean it's gone. It just means it hasn't come out yet.
What you tell one friend has a way of becoming what three friends know by the end of the week. Screenshots exist forever. Texts get shown to other people. "Don't tell anyone" almost never works the way you hope it will.
That doesn't mean you can't trust people. It means you should think before you share something you're not okay with the whole grade eventually knowing. If it feels too big or too personal to risk, it's probably a conversation for me, not a text to a friend.
Mom Tip: This lesson hit close to home for me recently. Years ago, I privately sent a sweet, completely innocent video of my daughter, then about three years old, to another mom. Somehow, nearly eight years later, that video ended up circulating in a group chat my daughter isn't even part of. Nothing about the video was embarrassing. It was just a tender moment between two little kids. But it got passed around and turned into entertainment anyway, simply because it existed and someone had it.
Nothing stays contained. Not even something sent privately, years ago, with the best intentions. If it exists somewhere, it can resurface somewhere else, at a time you never expected. I think about that constantly now, both in what I share about my kids and in what I teach them about what they share with others.
10. You Can Always Make Me the Bad Guy
I will always be fine with my kids blaming me, every single time. Their safety and happiness matter more than their friends thinking I’m lame or the worst Mom ever.
You can always use me as an excuse to get out of situations you don’t want to be in. If you don't want to go to the movies with friends, tell them I won't allow it. If you're at a party and something feels off, tell them your mom is already outside waiting.
I will happily be the bad guy if it means you have an easy way out of a situation that doesn't feel right. You don't have to explain yourself, defend your choice, or come up with a good reason on the spot. "My mom won't let me" is reason enough, and it always will be.
I know you will make good choices. But I also know that sometimes the hardest part isn't knowing the right choice. It's finding a way out that doesn't feel humiliating in front of your friends. So consider this your permission slip, forever: I am always willing to be the villain so you don't have to be.
Mom Tip: We have a family code word that my kids can say out loud (or that my oldest can text) if they're somewhere they want out of but don't want everyone else to know it. One word, no explanation needed, and we come get them. No questions asked in the moment. If you don't have one yet, it's worth picking one tonight. It gives your kid an instant out without ever putting them on the spot in front of their friends.
11. You Will Miss Out on Things. And That is OK.
We cannot be in two places at once. Not you, not me, not anyone.
As a family, we are going to have to make choices about what our priorities are. And sometimes those choices mean missing a birthday party, a school event, or a sporting event because two (or three) things landed on the same day at the same time. Sometimes it's because your sisters have their own events that I have to get them to. Sometimes your dad or I have a work event that we can't move. And sometimes, honestly, your mom is just exhausted and wants to go to bed. Either way, I simply cannot split myself in half.
You are going to notice this more as you get older, when suddenly you and your siblings have practices and games and parties all stacked on top of each other.
Missing out doesn't mean you weren't wanted there, and it doesn't mean it wasn't important. It just means something else mattered a little more that day, or we simply couldn't be in two places at once. That's not a reflection of how much we love you or how much we care about the things you care about.
It's just real life, and real life has overlap. Learning to be okay with that now will save you a lot of heartache later.
Mom Tip: At this season of my life, my kids are my priority, and family time supersedes almost everything else. I never want to guilt trip my kids, so I try not to make a big deal of it, but every once in a while I gently remind them that their dad and I make sacrifices too. We say no to things we want to do, we rearrange our own schedules, and we give things up more often than they probably realize. It's not about keeping score. It's just a reminder that this goes both ways.
12. Soft Skills are More Important Than You Think
I am always impressed by the kids who can look an adult in the eye, hold a real conversation (nothing deep, just the basics), and actually answer a simple question like "How was your weekend?" or "Are you excited about the game this weekend?" That's it. That's the whole bar, and so few kids clear it these days.
So let’s practice how we interact with others:
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Make eye contact when you're talking to someone
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Say please and thank you, every time
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Answer adults respectfully: "Yes, ma'am" or "No, sir," not just a "yeah" tossed over your shoulder
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Hold the door open, for adults and for other kids
These little gestures cost nothing, but people will remember them and how it made them feel.
Mom Tip: We practice these skills daily, on purpose, because repetition is what makes them stick. At the grocery store, my kids place their own orders at the deli counter. At restaurants, they order for themselves. I still have to remind them to say please and thank you more often than I'd like, but the more they practice, the more it becomes second nature instead of something they have to think about.
13. Grow Deep Roots and Let Your Light Shine
Our elementary school head said this at fifth grade graduation, and I have thought about it ever since: a tree with deep roots can weather any storm. It doesn't matter how hard the wind blows or how many people try to shake it. It stays standing because what holds it up is underground, not for show.
At 11 you don't fully know who you are yet, and that's okay. But people are going to try to tell you anyway. Middle school is full of opinions about who you should be, how you should act, and what you should like.
Your job isn't to have it all figured out before you walk in the door (or by the time you leave… I am still discovering myself). Your job is to start discovering it, quietly, for yourself, before the noise of everyone else's opinions gets too loud to hear your own voice.
Discovering who you are is what keeps you rooted. What you believe, what you value, who you're becoming…that's what keeps you steady when friendships shift, when you don't make the team, when someone says something unkind, when the year feels hard. Roots don't grow overnight. Keep digging.
And once you're rooted, let yourself shine. Don't shrink to make other people comfortable. Don't dim your light because someone else's is out. There is room for every girl to shine at once. Yours does not take away from anyone else's.
Mom Tip: Instead of telling my girls who they are, I try to ask more questions than I answer. "What did you like about that?" "Why do you think that bothered you?" I want them doing the digging themselves, since roots you grow yourself hold a lot better than ones someone else planted for you.
It's also worth talking to your kids about the bigger picture: how they became who they are, the moments or people that shaped them, and what they actually believe and why. Ask them what they think, not just what happened. Those conversations plant the roots that hold everything else up.
FAQ: How to Survive Middle School
How is middle school different from elementary school?
Middle school brings more independence and a lot more moving parts: changing classes, a locker, multiple teachers instead of one, and a wider mix of kids from different elementary schools. Socially, it's a bigger adjustment too. Friendships shift, cliques form and reform, and your daughter will be figuring out who she is at the exact same time everyone around her is doing the same thing.
Middle school is also a big shift for parents. There's no more walking your child to the classroom door or chatting with their teacher at drop-off. Your child becomes responsible for a lot more on their own, like asking their teacher about a missed assignment, following up after an absence, and keeping track of what's due and when.
Being on good terms with teachers matters more now too, since a quick, respectful question in the hallway can solve a problem before it becomes a bigger one. It can feel like you've been handed the wheel less, and in a lot of ways, you have. That's by design. Middle school is where kids start practicing the independence they'll need for high school and beyond.
How should I prepare for the first day of middle school?
Start by talking through what to expect at school: locker combinations, class schedules, and where to sit at lunch if she doesn't know anyone yet. Beyond logistics, remind her that everyone in that building is a little nervous, even the kids who look totally confident.
It helps just as much to talk through the at-home side of things ahead of time, too. Walk through the actual morning together: what time she needs to get up, how long getting ready really takes, when breakfast happens, and what time you need to be out the door. If your school lets you visit before day one, practice the locker combo a few times. Practicing the morning routine a few days before school starts, even just once, takes a lot of the guesswork (and the stress) out of that first real morning. For the practical side of first-day prep, check out our full back-to-school checklist.
How much screen time is appropriate for a middle schooler?
There's no single right number. It depends on your family's values and your child. In our house, we've chosen to delay social media and group chats entirely, based partly on research like Jonathan Haidt's The Anxious Generation, which makes a strong case for waiting on smartphones and social media until kids are older. My kids do watch plenty of TV (they're the ones who helped me come up with this list of best movies for tweens)! Whatever you decide, having a clear, consistent policy on screen use matters more than the exact hours.
How do I encourage my daughter to stand up for herself?
Practice at home before she needs it in real life. Role-playing tough conversations, like how to respond to a mean comment or how to say no to something that feels wrong, builds the muscle memory she needs in the moment. It also helps to give her an easy out, like being able to call you and use a family code word, so standing up for herself never feels like it's entirely on her shoulders.
How do I talk to my daughter about puberty and help her build a positive body image?
Start early, keep it factual, and normalize the fact that every body moves at its own pace. Some girls develop early, some develop late, and both are completely normal. The goal isn't one big talk — it's an ongoing, low-pressure conversation where she knows she can come to you with questions, embarrassing or not.
We've actually taken a Birds & Bees course twice now, once when the girls were younger and once more recently, and it's been such a helpful way to open up these conversations without me having to have all the answers on my own. Having an outside resource to lean on took a lot of the pressure off and gave us a natural way to keep the conversation going as they've gotten older.
What are the major differences between 6th, 7th, and 8th grades?
Sixth grade is usually about adjusting to a new building, new routines, and new social dynamics. Seventh grade tends to bring more academic pressure and deeper friendship shifts. Eighth grade often feels like a turning point. Kids start thinking ahead to high school, and both independence and self-awareness tend to grow quickly.
More Back-to-School Help
This post is near and dear to my heart, so I’d love to hear what you think or if you have any words of wisdom to share. Just comment below and let me know.
If you need extra support with getting your kids ready for the school year, check out all my back-to-school posts for more tips.
